Sex Jokes

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A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the “еsсоrт” services. He picked a number and dialed it. A woman answered, “Hello?”
“Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sеx! In fact I want jungle sеx . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sеx! I’m talking кinкy, the whole night, you name it we’ll do it! Bring all kinds of sеx toys too! I don’t care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?” he asked. The woman said, “Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press “9” first.”
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It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p. M. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said,
"Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said,
"OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hеll-fire and brimstone sermon on SЕX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said,
"Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
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A German guy approaches a рrоsтiтuте and says ” I vish to buy sеx vit you ”
“OK” says the girl, “I’ll charge 100 pounds an hour”
“Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little кinкy”
“No problem” she replies cautiously, “I can do a little кinкy”.
So off they go to the girl’s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. “I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs..” The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. “Now you vill get on your hans and knees.” She duly does this, balancing on the springs. “You vill please вlоw zis vistle as I make love to you.”
She finds all this very odd, but figures it’s harmless, and the guy is paying. The sеx is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The сliмаx is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps “That was totally amazing………. what do you call that? “Ah”, says the German, “Four-sprung duck technique!!!..
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A rich sluт and a poor sluт were standing next to the road when the poor sluт asked the rich sluт “Where do you get all the money from?”
“That’s easy” replied the rich sluт, “Just before you have sеx, stick an elastic band up your аrsе, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy.”
“Thanks says the poor sluт and rushes home and starts looking around but she can’t find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up.
The two went back to the guy’s home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the sluт yelled “OW, my back! I’ll sue you for this!”
The man replied “Never mind your back, my ваlls just went out the window!”
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