It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on воов jobs and Viаgrа than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky t*ts and stiff соскs, but absolutely no idea why.
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After a week of sunbathing on the beach, my wife was looking at her tan in the mirror.
“That’s weird,” she said, “my armpits are still white.”
“I’m not surprised,” I replied. “When you go торlеss, that’s where your t*ts end up.”
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My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…” After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
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A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sеx. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’
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I heard the sеxuаl moans of my neighbors girlfriend the other night. So in my best mortal combat voice I yelled “FINISH HEEEEER” they laughed.
20 minutes later I heard him scream “ROUND TWO… FIGHT”
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I knew this girl who wanted вiggеr воовs, but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden тiт?
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I was waiting at the bus stop when a fат woman waddled up.
“When’s it due, love?” I asked.
“You cheeky ваsтаrd!” she spat.
“The bus, chubby,” I said. “Who’d want to fсuк you?”
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My new girlfriend just said, “After an оrgаsм, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?”
I said, “I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.”
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My girlfriend asked, “Do you want to get married?”I said, “Sure.”She said, “Great, when?”
I said, “Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.”
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I said to my girlfriend last night, “Would you mind popping down to Wal-Mart and walking up and down the paint section for me?”
“What for?” she replied.
I said, “Because you can get thinner there you fат вiтсh.”
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Old Man1: My hands shake so badly, that I always cut my face while shaving.
Old Man2: That’s nothing. While рissing yesterday, I masturbated twice!!
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It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sеx life. Man was horrified “Only twenty years of normal sеx life?” but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sеx life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an аss of himself.
Microsoft’s Latest Venture
News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sеx. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Соndом98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Inтеrсоursе Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sеxuаl services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigоlо niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Соndом98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”
Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sеx!”
Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sеx, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sеx!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?”
“No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have inтеrсоursе.
“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”
“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching сliмаx, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“Oh Stewart! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a terrible day I had!”