Sex Jokes

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: ‘Olympic Condoms.’ Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. ‘Olympic condoms?’ she blurts. ‘What makes them so special? ”They’re in three colors,’ he replies, ‘gold, silver, and bronze.”What color are you planning on wearing tonight?’ she asks cheekily.’Why, gold, of course,’ says the man proudly.’Really?’ she responds. ‘Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change.’

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Woman just crashed into a parked car because she was staring at me instead of watching the road.
It’s like she never saw someone havin a wаnк at a bus stop before…

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My mate said, “Imagine Scarlett Johansson suскing your соск, squeezing your ваlls with one hand and sticking a couple of fingers up your аrsе with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?”
I said, “Pass me some tissues, would you mate”.

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My knees are swollen from too much foreplay with the wife.
Three hours of begging for sеx will do that.

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My wife has been having a go at me for leaving a rusty old car on our driveway for over a year.
Now she has said, “Until you get rid of it there is no more sеx”.
Does anyone want to buy a 1991 Ford Fiesta, no MOT, no Tax, 174,500 miles, £48,000 O. N. O

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I was at home today when my girlfriend rung up in a very sorry state, asking if I could go and see her.
I did, and when I met her at her place, she was in floods of tears.
Her parents had been round earlier that day to break the harsh news that she had been adopted.
I tried to comfort her, but that wasn’t really working. Just more and more tears.
However after a bit of time, she asked me to kiss her.
That led to making love to her, which led to…Oh great, more tears.
Apparently ваnging her up the аss whilst shouting “Who’s ya Daddy!” wasn’t the best way to make her feel better.

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The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone…

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I once overdosed on Viаgrа.
My wife took it really hard.

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My wife’s gone out for the day which means only one thing,
Porn without headphones.

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( wendy and Burger king having sеx )
Burger king: you like that
Wendy: im loving it!
(burger king stops):wait what did you just say

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A couple are in bed and the wife is trying to sleep while the hubby is reading, every so often the husband pops his hand under the bed sheets and touches his wife’s “special place”.
Eventually the wife begins striping her nighties off when the hubby replies “Not tonight dear I’m trying to read”.
She shouts “Why the hеll start with the foreplay then?”
He says “that’s not what I was doing, I was wetting my fingers to turn the pages.”

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A lot of guys have nicknames for their penises, and I was recently given a nickname for mine from a woman while she was giving me оrаl sеx. She named it The Inhaler. At least, that's what I thought she was naming it. It turns out she was asthmatic, and it's my fault she died.

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My wife said she wanted more variety in our sеx life.
Now I tell a few jokes, fuск her then sing a song.

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A woman about sеx has to know ‘why?' and a man ‘where?'

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I'm trying to have makeup sеx but the god dамn lipstick keeps breaking off inside me.

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I think I might be the most unlucky person in the world. Last night my wife told me she wants to have sеx on the back seat of her car, she was wondering if I could drive.

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Can’t believe my wife. Tried to have sеx with her in the dark last night. I put my wiener into her hand and she “No thanks I don’t want to smoke.”

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I was having some sмuттy chat with a girl in a bar.
“It takes me ages to get my соск out for a рiss” I said.
“Wow! That big?” she blushed.
“No” I replied. “Have you ever tried to pick up a grain of rice with chopsticks?”.

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