One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU ВIТСН"
"You ваsтаrd".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Вiтсh means lady and ваsтаrd means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sеx. They were repeating the words "DIСК and "СUNТ" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Diск means coat and сunт means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SНIТ!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shiт mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said,
"It means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUСК!!", she yelled. "What's fuск mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said,
"Hello b*tches and ваsтаrds, may I take your diскs and сunтs? Dad's in the bathroom putting shiт on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’
The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’
The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fсuкing her.’
The boss says, ‘You fсuк your sister?’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he ask her if she would have sеx with him because he only had 24 hours to live. “Of course Darling.” she replied. And so they have sеx.
4 hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, “you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?” Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sеx.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, “You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?”
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, “Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?”
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, “You know.. you don’t have to get up in the morning. I do!!!”