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The surgeon said to me, “Do you have a dog?”
I said, “Yes, why?”
He said, “If I can’t save your leg, do you want me to keep the воnе for him?”
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The inventor of the mouse has died.
What vision, to know we’d need one hand free on the computer.
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It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
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I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”
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I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together.
I asked one of them, ‘What the hеll is going on?’
He said, ‘First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club’
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“What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”
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You insensitive ваsтаrd. My little boy died having a fit in the bath.
He choked on a sock.
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
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I’ve been waiting 5 hours for my granddad to put on his hulk outfit for a fantasy themed fancy dress party, I’ve finally walked into his room to see what the hold up was, and he’s lying on his bed, blue in the face, I think he’s going as an avatar.
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I woke up this morning beside myself with joy.
Time to increase my schizophrenia medication, I think.
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This bloke goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “I’m sorry, sir but we don’t have any books on that subject.”
“Why not?”
She stares at him for a while, then asks:
“If we had such a book to lend you, who’s gonna bring it back ?”
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I am an agent of Sатаn, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
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Love is like Heaven... It makes me wish I was dead.
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My grandad is up with all the new trends, he’s been doing the mannequin challenge for three weeks straight now.
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My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.
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“Well nan, ” I said, “this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? ”
“Will you fuск of and let me visit your granddads grave in peace, ” she shouted.
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I’m not saying she’s bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn’t a strobe light.
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ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
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Alfred is at his wife’s funeral when the carriers are leaving the church with the coffin. Upon getting to the door, they accidentally run into the frame and they hear a moan from the coffin. Surprisingly, the wife is alive. Alfred smiles and hugs her and they leave the church together.
22 years later, the wife dies again and at the same church, the same carriers are leaving with the coffin. Just as they get to the door, Alfred shouts out “Watch that fсuкing door frame!”
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