Single People Joke

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The wife, whose husband has a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them.
The judge ask s, "First offender?"
She replied, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

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A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

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Items 11- 20 Of 31 … …
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11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. …
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12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. … …
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13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. …
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. … …
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15. All single women have a cat. …
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

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Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'

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That's why I like to talk to my mother every single day because hearing how delusional I may become one day makes me appreciate every day I have left with my sanity.

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Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied:
"In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife:
"Have you anything to say?"
She answered:
"It's been six weeks, your honor."

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Women, we like to be romanced. We like to be wined, dined -- maybe there's a single rose and some dancing -- and then we feel close enough to you to have sеx with you. Men, on the other hand, like to have sеx with you; then they feel close enough to talk to you.

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The heiress to the L’Oreal cosmetics empire has turn to prostitution to make ends meet, putting a $5 million price tag on her services for a single night.
Which is fair enough, because she’s worth it.

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I suскеd at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night:
'John -- hi, it's Blockbuster video. It's nine o'clock on a Friday, you're not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you're OK.'

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During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.
He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said,
"Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.
"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.
"... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

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Some people have a hard time understanding how Noah could fit all those animals inside the ark...
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power тооl.

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I’ve just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my реnis.
Guess now that I’m single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.

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The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

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Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”

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Are all girls claustrophobic? It seems every single one freaks out when they're locked in the trunk of my car.

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If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.

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My girlfriend’s father wants her to marry a man of means. He said he would give me her hand in marriage if I can afford to burn ten thousand dollars as if it were nothing.
Without hesitation I wrote a check for ten grand and burnt it right before his eyes.
I’m still single.

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A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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