A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
“You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine,” says the doctor. “Luckily, your brother named them for you.”
“Oh shiт, not my brother! He’s from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?”
“Denise,” the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn’t so bad, she asks, “and what did he call the boy?”
The doctor answers, “Denephew.”
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool… They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the вавеs you want!’
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’
‘Lard-Almighty Bubba!’ said Billy-Bob, ‘the tater goes in the front!
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sеx when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sеx.”
“Okay,” agreed one of the guys, “I guess seven.”
“Sorry, I was thinking of eight,” replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
“Two!” said the second guy.
“Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. “Come back and try again.”
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, “I think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said his buddy. “My wife won twice last week.”
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:
“We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask:
“What in the hеll are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”
Claudia responds:
“I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout:
“Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your вrеаsтs for everyone to see when we are about to die!”
Cindy responds:
“I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful вrеаsтs - which is why I am exposing my t*ts!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and раnтiеs to expose her love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
“Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”
Calmly, Naomi responds:
“ВIТСНЕS PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”
I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.
As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”
“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”
“That’s ridiculous” he replied.
I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shiт on tv.”
So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.
5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”
“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.
I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”