Stupid / Dumb Jokes

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Ollie takes Lena to a downtown Minneapolis department store. Lena steps up to the clerk in the department store and says, “Can I try on dat dress in da vindow?”
The clerk responds, “We would really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room.”

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$10 says some idiот is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

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I went rabbit shooting this morning.
The owner of the pet shop went fuскing mental.

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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

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Ollie’s neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, “Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I’m Norvegian?” …
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“No,” said Sven, “It’s because you’re NINETEEN.”

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”
I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are вullshiт.
They take just as much effort to sсrеw in as the ordinary ones.

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After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, “Can you do this any cheaper?”
“I’m afraid not,” she replied, “If we did it for you then we’d have to do it for everybody.”
I said, “Yeah, but it’s got today’s date on it. If nobody buys it then it’s just going to get thrown away.”
“Look sir, you’re holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?”

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My girlfriend told me that I’m really shiт at thinking of comebacks.
To which I replied “Haha, nice one.”

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My mate asked me for directions today.
“Do a right at that lamppost over there,”I said pointing, “Then walk down about 100 yards, chuck a quick left, then it should be on your right.”
He said, “You’ve totally lost me.”
“Well, I’m not explaining it again,” I said, putting the phone down.

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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”

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I don’t understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth.
Everyone knows it’s because Noah couldn’t fit them on the arc.

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Sven answers the phone at 3 AM. Wrong number, so the caller apologizes. …
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“Dot’s OK,” says Sven. “I had to get up to answer da phone anyway.”

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Ollie was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven says, “Ya know Ollie, you and Lena should really get some new curtains.” …
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“Vy’s dat?” Ollie asks. …
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“Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know…”
Ollie thought for awhile, then said, “Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn’t even home last night!”

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Don’t worry if your homing рigеоn doesn’t come home. You Havn’t lost a homing рigеоn- just a рigеоn!

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Fool people into thinking you’ve been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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After watching a few zombie films I’ve come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.

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