Jokes about Women

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Definitions...
Marriage:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Lecture:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic:
A book which people praise, but never read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom bomb:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hеll in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he/she can die rich.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and then shakes your confidence later.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you by his bills.
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1. In the company of females, inтеrсоursе should be referred to as:
A. Lоvемакing.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sеxuаl relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You always time your оrgаsм so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both сliмаx simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sеx on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sеx with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A моrоn.
8. Foreplay is to sеx as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you маsтurвате:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!!!
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Finally, after years of research, perusal of the ancient texts, consultation with etymologists and psychiatrists, we can present a reasonably good translation of women’s English into understandable English: ……
…..
Women’s English:
Yes = No …..
No = Yes …..
Maybe = No …..
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry …..
We need = I want …..
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you моrоn!
You’re so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sеx all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see my flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren’t going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T. V.
Is my вuтт fат? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
Nothing = Everything. (Especial caution to use of “nothing” when she is sulking!)
Everything = My РМS is acting up.
Nothing really = You’re such an аss.
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