Jokes about Women

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The first woman on the Moon…
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“Houston, we have a problem.” …
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“What?” …
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“Never mind.” …
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“What’s the problem?”…
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“Nothing.” ….
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“Please tell us?” ….
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“You know what the problem is. Quit playing Twenty Questions with me!”

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I’m all for female priests, finally a group and priests teenage boys can have sеx with willingly.

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Rodeo sеx involves mounting your woman doggy-style and reaching around and taking hold of her вrеаsтs. As you approach оrgаsм, learn forward and whisper into her ear, “Your sister likes this way the best,” then try to stay mounted for eight seconds.

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Speeding along at 60mph, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.
“Your phone just went,” said my wife.
“It’s only a text,” I replied. “I’ll check it when we get there.”
She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. “I thought so,” she sneered. “It’s yet another сrар joke from Dave about women being bad drivers.”
“Watch the f**king road,” I snapped. “You just went straight through a red light.”

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Learner drivers need to put up a ‘L’ sign.
So why don’t women put a ‘W’ sign up to warn us?

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I got pulled over by a female cop…
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said “NOTHING”
“Am I free to go?”
“Sure, you can if you want to…”
I Started to Leave
“I just think it’s funny how…”
“I mean, do you want me to stay… Is there something we need to talk about?”
“…no, everything’s fine. You can go.”

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I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sеx object…
Hi.

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I went to see a therapist.
I said, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or a woman.”
He said, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
I said, “No.”
He said, “You’re a woman.”

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A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children. Soon her headache went away!

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A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin. The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. “Madam,” he whispered is that your son?” “No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.”

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A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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An extremely ugly fат woman walks into a pub and shouts, “If anyone can guess my weight, they can fсuк me.”
A guy in the corner replies, “93 stone, you fат соw.”
“Close enough,” she replies, “you lucky ваsтаrd”.

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If it weren't for women, I'd have all the men I need. I'd be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You'd be my loyal subject -- not for sеx, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, 'cause if I'm gonna be the only woman on Earth, fат's coming back in style.

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Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

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My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall………
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
“The guard asked, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big t*ts.”

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How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.

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