Jokes about Women

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The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
- - Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.
- - Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.
- - Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
- - Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

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Women color their hair, get воов-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…
Then complain that there’s no real men out there.

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Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

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I’m all for female priests, finally a group and priests teenage boys can have sеx with willingly.

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Rodeo sеx involves mounting your woman doggy-style and reaching around and taking hold of her вrеаsтs. As you approach оrgаsм, learn forward and whisper into her ear, “Your sister likes this way the best,” then try to stay mounted for eight seconds.

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Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no fuскing clue about what the hеll he’s done wrong.

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Speeding along at 60mph, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.
“Your phone just went,” said my wife.
“It’s only a text,” I replied. “I’ll check it when we get there.”
She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. “I thought so,” she sneered. “It’s yet another сrар joke from Dave about women being bad drivers.”
“Watch the f**king road,” I snapped. “You just went straight through a red light.”

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Learner drivers need to put up a ‘L’ sign.
So why don’t women put a ‘W’ sign up to warn us?

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I got pulled over by a female cop…
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said “NOTHING”
“Am I free to go?”
“Sure, you can if you want to…”
I Started to Leave
“I just think it’s funny how…”
“I mean, do you want me to stay… Is there something we need to talk about?”
“…no, everything’s fine. You can go.”

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I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sеx object…
Hi.

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I went to see a therapist.
I said, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or a woman.”
He said, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
I said, “No.”
He said, “You’re a woman.”

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A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children. Soon her headache went away!

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A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

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A boy and his mom go to a nudе beach then they see men with big diскs. He asks his mom why they have big diскs and she said the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big воовs and he asks why are their воовs so big and the mom responds the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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An extremely ugly fат woman walks into a pub and shouts, “If anyone can guess my weight, they can fсuк me.”
A guy in the corner replies, “93 stone, you fат соw.”
“Close enough,” she replies, “you lucky ваsтаrd”.

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If it weren't for women, I'd have all the men I need. I'd be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You'd be my loyal subject -- not for sеx, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, 'cause if I'm gonna be the only woman on Earth, fат's coming back in style.

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