1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fсuк off and leave me alone.
2. No one is listening until you fаrт.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have the fсuкеr’s shoes.
6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.
7. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
8. Don’t worry; its only кinкy the first time.
9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
10. We are born nакеd, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our аssеs-after that, things just get fсuкing worse.
A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through.
All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him.
“Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would,” says the lamaze instructor.
The husband smiles slyly. “You want me to pick it up ‘exactly’ how my wife would? He asks.
“Yes, exactly how your wife would,” the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently.
The man looks at his wife, and says, “Honey, pick up that pencil.
Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling аss-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
T he Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. “Give us the money”, they shout at the Queen.
“But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.”
“Oh, sh1t”, says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. “Give us yer jewels.”
“But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state ocassions.”
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. “Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least,” and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. “What did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”
“Ah,” says the Queen, “I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have.” Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. “And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear.” The Queen says to Di.
“Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.” Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di… “You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.”