An extremely ugly woman goes to her plastic surgeon, after hearing about a revolutionary new treatment. The doctor sees this hideous woman and feeling pity, agrees to perform the surgery.
Following the operation, she wakes up and looks in the mirror. She’s disappointed when she sees that she’s only slightly better looking.
“I thought I’d be beautiful!” she cried disappointedly…
“Your treatment isn’t finished yet, it’ll take time” said the doctor. “Feel the back of your head. There’s a small sсrеw there I placed during the surgery, which I’ve already turned a half-turn. Every week, I want you to turn it a half-turn, no more. You’ll find that you’ll get better looking every week. I’ll see you in 3 months.”
The woman goes home, sceptical, but for the first 2 weeks does exactly what the doctor told her. Week by week, she is amazed to find that she is actually getting better looking. Excited, she decides that she is going to step up her treatment. For the third week, she decides that she is going to turn the sсrеw a full-turn every day. Throughout the week, she transforms into a beautiful woman. But suddenly, she is horrified to wake up one morning with large lumps under her eyes. Horrified, she runs back to the doctor.
“Oh no!” the doctor cried when he saw her. “Did you follow my instructions EXACTLY?”
“I did for the first 2 weeks, but then my excitement got the better of me” she replied, as she admitted what she had done.
“You idiот!” the doctor said. “The sсrеw was there to slowly pull your skin up and tight SLOWLY. You’ve gone way too fast! Those lumps under your eyes are your вrеаsтs that you’ve pulled up!”
“Oh… well that explains the goatee then.”
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a раnsy.
If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing вuм.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sеxuаl harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive ваsтаrd.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s dомinатiоn. If SHE asks you, it’s a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sеxy underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gаy.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Why do men die first?
Because they want to!
A lady selling women’s cosmetics starts her day bright and early. She comes to a home at 7 a. M. and knocks on the door. A man answers the door wearing just boxer shorts. The sales lady asks, “Can I speak to the woman in the house? I have some cosmetics that she may be interested in purchasing.”
The man responds, “My wife is at work now and won’t return until about noon.”
“That’s OK”, the lady says, “I will be back at about 12:30 to see her then.”
The man then says, “You won’t be able to see her then either. We will be busy when she gets home and she has to get ready to go to her other job.”
“Oh…, OK, ah, well… then I will come back at around 5 p. M. and catch her then” says the sales lady.
“Well, you won’t be able to talk to her then either. We are going to be busy again when she gets home. She then has to get ready to go to work for another employer and won’t be back until late this evening.”
The sales lady is taken back and is compelled to ask, “Don’t YOU have a job”?
The guy answers simply, “No, I don’t have a job. I don’t work at all.”
The sales lady becomes somewhat repulsed by this guy. She says, “Do you mean to tell me that your wife works three jobs, while you just sit around at home all day long?”
The guy says, “That’s correct.”
The sales lady can’t help but get angry. She then tells the guy, “You know what, buddy, you disgust me! Guys like you ought to be hung”!
The man then simply states, “I am.”