Jokes about Women

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A Women Went On Holiday Leaving Her Husband Behind. Before She Left, She Told Him To Take Extra Special Care For Her Pet Cat. As Soon As She Arrived There, She Called Her Husband And Asked If The Cat Was Aright. He Husband Said, "The Cat Just Died!" She Burst Into Tears And Said, "How Could You Be So Blunt? Why Couldn't You Have Broken The News Gradually! Today You Could Have Said It Was Playing On The Roof, Tomorrow You Could Have Said It Fell Off And Had Broken It's Leg. Then On The Third Day, You Could Have Say The Poor Thing Had Passed Away In The Night. You Could Hvae Been More Sensitive About The hole Thing. By The Way, How's The Mother?" He Said, "She's Playing On The Roof!"

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At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.
Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"
The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

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A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

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Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.

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A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

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“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”

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Five signs that a women is angry with you.
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.

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Why do women have foreheads?
You have to kiss them somewhere after a вlоw-job.

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What takes up 18 parking spaces?
9 Women drivers.

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Trump had more fат women doing walking exercise on his first day, than Obozo had in eight years.

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Dictionary For Women’s Personal Ads
40ish ………………… 49
Adventurous …………… Slept with all your mates
Athletic ……………… No Tits
Average looking ……….. Has a face like an arse
Beautiful …………….. Pathological liar
Contagious smile ………. Does a lot of pills
Educated ……………… Fuскеd to death at college
Emotionally secure …….. On medication
Feminist ……………… Fat
Friendship first ………. Former sluт/born again virgin
Fun ………………….. Annoying
Gentle ……………….. Dull
Good listener …………. Autistic
New Age ………………. Body hair problems
Old fashioned …………. No вlоw jobs or anal
Open minded …………… Desperate
Outgoing ……………… Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ……………. Sloppy drunk
Poet …………………. Depressive
Professional ………….. Bitch
Romantic ……………… Frigid
Social ……………….. Fаnny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous ……………. Very fat
Large lady ……………. Hugely Fat
Wants soul-mate………… Stalker
Widow ………………… Murderer

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For a film entitled “What Women Want” I was expecting it to be a hеll of a lot longer than 2 hours.

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While on a bus one woman asked another, with grat curiosity,
"Well, what happened on your date with dashing Prince Lancelot?"
"Yuk!' was the disillutioned reply. "He was more like disgusting Prince Lusт-a-lot, and
I was the one who needed the suit of armor!"

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ОМG I MET THE PERFECT GUY! Maybe I can fix him. -women

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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman - not on my watch.

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A female plumber?
Yeah, I’d tap that.

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There's this man in the bar and he says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $500 that if you line up five empty вееr mugs that I would be able to рее in all of them without any mess." The bartender accepts the bet. Next thing you know the bartender lined up five empty вееr mugs. The man drops his drawers and starts to рее everywhere except in the five empty вееr mugs. The bartender laughs as the guy pays him the $500.
A woman sees all of this happening and asks the guy, "How come you're not sad about losing $500?" The guy told her, "It is because I had bet the bouncer $2,000 that I would рее all over the bar and have the bartender laugh about it."

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Two hot women, a blond and a brunette, went into a x-rated movie theater.
Ten minutes into the movie, the blond tells her friend, "I can't believe this, the guy next to me is jerking off! What should I do?"
The brunette keeps staring at the movie screen and says,
"Just ignore him."
The blond says,
"I can't. He's using my hand."

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