My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:
Dear Father Christmas,
I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday’s it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.
Sincerely, Edna
My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear Father Christmas,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I’m sure we’ll all have a very nice day and I’ve told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those fuскin’ thieving ваsтаrds at the Royal Mail …
Sincerely, Edna
OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down... Etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products..... Correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *
Ok.... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a тамроn and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T. O. M) I go back to the cupboard..... And VOILA.... There is only ONE тамроn left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL..... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD.... At the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G. I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"
"Never mind!! Go play!!!!"
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?” She answers promptly, “I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, “I’d like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.”
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, “I would go to the sun.”
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, “Well, if you went to the sun, you’d burn to death almost instantaneously.”
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. “Do you think I am fсuкing sтuрid! I’d go at night!”
A man walks into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful woman and says,
" Hi I'm Dave".
She looks at him and says,
"I know Dave, we went to high school together".
He says,
"I would have remembered you from high school."
She says,
"Dave, it's me Richard. I'm a woman now."
Dave looks at her in disbelief, "Wow, well they did a good job! Did it hurt when they gave you those вrеаsт?"
"No, they just gave me some pills to make them grow вiggеr."
"Well did it hurt when they uh, you know, down there?"
"No, its a pretty routine surgery now, just had a little discomfort. I have to tell you the worst pain with the whole thing is when they stuck a vacuum in my ear and suскеd out half of my brain."
I was chatting up the gorgeous barmaid from my local last night when My mate said to me, “when I fcuked her, no matter how hard a tried I couldn’t get her to moan”
My other mate then said, “Yea, I had the same problem when I fcuked her”
“Ok then lads , watch and learn. When I leave here with this girl, follow me back to my house and I’ll keep bedroom window open so you can hear” I said with a smile on my face.
After a couple more drinks, me and the girl left with my mates following half hour later.
When they arrived at my house, all they could hear was this woman screaming and moaning.
The next day my mates said to me, “Fсuкing hеll, how did you manage that?
“Well lads” I replied, “in situations like that, you have to use your head”