The Texas Preacher
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Brad Pitt, the film actor and every woman’s heartthrob. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn’t been to service lately.
He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, “Oh my God, it’s Brad Pitt!”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.” So she said, “come right on in.”
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Brad Pitt. Then he came to a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. “Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “It’s Brad Pitt!” And the preacher said,
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“Hello, Darlin!!”
A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’
“What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a вееr.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin’ days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a dамnеd thing.
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
An elderly man enters a jewelry store on a Friday night with a beautiful, much younger woman and states that he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man says,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler returns, this time with a $50,000 ring. The woman's eyes sparkle and the man seeing this, says,
"We'll take it! I will give you a check now, so you can verify the funds on Monday with the bank. I'll then pick up the ring that afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phones to tell the man, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," is my reply. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies,
"Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jeweler their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a сrар, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”