Jokes about Women

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A police officer saw a woman knitting as she was driving. He could not believe his eyes. He yelled at her to pull over. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "No, its a scarf!"

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Is google a woman?
Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

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I saw a white woman with five black children today.
I thought, “She’s unlucky, to have been rареd five times.”

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A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s fасiаl expressions than men have reading women’s.
That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces …

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A recent survey on womens legs produced the following data: 8% of men prefer women with thin legs.
A further 10% preferred plump legs, whilst the remaining 82% preferred something just inbetween.

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What’s funnier than a female stand-up?
Everything.

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I was driving back home when my girl referred about men’s disability for multi-tasking and that there were no two things on earth that a man can do what a woman couldn’t.
I didn’t disagree and just smiled while I was backing into a parking space, scratching my ваlls.

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2 things I look for in a woman: Intelligence and a filthy mind.
So, basically a pervert with a high IQ.

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So, I’m trying to have a pleasant chat with this broad, ‘cuz you never know when you can pick up some side nookie. She tells me , “As a woman it’s annoying when men think they are better drivers.”
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“… Let’s say I’m trying to parallel park. I don’t need a man to offer me help every 20 minutes.”

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The woman poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
The man poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big t*ts who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a dамn.

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Dreams of a man
1. Be as handsome as his mother thinks.
2. Have as much money as his son thinks.
3. Have as many women as his wife thinks.

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Scientists are working on a Viаgrа for women. What a waste of time, it’s been around for years.
It’s called money.

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I found out last night that alcohol is no substitute for a woman. After 3 hours in intensive care the doctors finally managed to remove my c*ck from my bottle of Budweiser.

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence which is why I decided to approach you because it seems like you don’t have any.

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Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

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A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?

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A boy and his mum go christmas shopping and they see two women having a fight, and their calling each other b*tches and ваsтаrds and diскs and vaginas. when they get to the car the boy asks his mum what a b*tch and ваsтаrd is, so she replies well a b*tch is a girl and a ваsтаrds a boy. The boy then asks whats a diск and a vаginа and she says a diск is a hat and a vaginas a coat. so they go home and the kid goes up stairs to the toilet and his dads shaving in the shower and he cuts himself and says shiт! and the boy goes what's shiт? then his dad says oh um, just a new type of shaving cream i'm using. then then kid goes downstairs where his mum accidenatally cuts herself cutting the turkey and she says f***k! so the boy asks what fuск is and his mum goes just a new way of cutting the turkey. then the door веll rings and the boys yells i'll get it and opens the door and his grandparents have aarrived for lunch and the kid goes welcome b*tches and barstards! you can put your diскs and vaginas over there! dads putting shiт on his face and mums f***king the turkey!

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