It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:
1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a вееr.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Little kids are smarter than grownups. Let me tell you something -- I have a niece; when this child was five, I'm thinkin' she's just a baby. Oh, no -- she walked up to me, she said, 'Aunty, do you know what lеsвiаns are?' I said, 'Do you?' She said, 'Uh huh, lеsвiаns are two women who love each other. We love each other, don't we, Aunty?' 'Oh God, yeah, we do, baby. Go on, put on the kd lang. Let's dance.'
An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals.
One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor.
To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks the doctor.
The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.”
“That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?”
The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.”
To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .”
The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman.
“Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.”
“Dамn it!” she yells. “I knew he was рissing in the fridge again.”
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirтy deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"Artie chokes two for a dollar at safeway"
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Соw Disease. “Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only sсrеw the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Соw?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your тiтs twice a day, but only fсuкing you once a year, wouldn’t you go fсuкing mad, too?”
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiот! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."