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Jokes about Women

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I was in the pub last night when one of the regulars, a big headed тwат, came up to me talking sh1t as normal.
He said, “Apart from my mother and sister, I’ve shagged every woman in town.”
I paused for a moment and replied, “Well, John, between us both we’ve done them all.”
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Ένας κτηνοτρόφος πηγαίνει να εξομολογηθεί Ο αμαρτωλός Αγρότης Фермер се изповядва: Докторот го прашува Трпе: Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "I'm in love with my dog." "Well that is not so unusual Arzt: „Was fehlt Ihnen?“ Patient: „Herr Doktor C'est un gars qui va chez le psychiatre et qui dit: - Docteur Herr Schmitz zum Arzt: "Herr Doktor "Ik ben verliefd op mijn paard" En man besökte den berömde psykiatrikern och sa Un homme va chez son psy et lui dit : - Docteur
A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .
“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”
“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”
“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”
“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!”
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The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.
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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So, she went inside.
A woman appeared through a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But, just so you know, around here, most people knock before entering someone's home."
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I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.
The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.
The second guy had a degree and five years experience.
The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.
I am all for equal opportunities, so of course I employed the woman.
I’ll only have to pay her half as much.
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A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said,
"This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said,
"I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
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I was in the crazy maze at Alton Towers the other day.
I turned a corner n there were 4 muslim women in burkha’s….
I shouted “U Ракi Сunтs” and ran for it… …
Best game of pac man I ever had!
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said,
"Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said,
"But your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
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Why do cannibals not like divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.
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Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So it’s easier for them to stand next to the kitchen sink.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. Eine Frau geht zum BMW-Händler. Sie schaut sich um Uma senhora entra em uma concessionária Mercedes. Ela olha ao redor Een vrouw loopt een Mercedes-showroom binnen. Ze kijkt wat rond ¡ Mierda de crisis! Una mujer entra en un concierto de BMW. Ve un coche que le gusta y se acerca a inspeccionarlo. Al agacharse a ver el interior se le escapa un sonoro pedo. Preucupada Una signora entra in una concessionaria auto e si mette ad osservare una stupenda BMW. Osserva
A woman walks into a store that sells expensive rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
"Hello M'am. How may I help you today?"
Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Well, you broke wind just touching it. I'm anxious to see what happens when you hear the price."
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My mate Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sеxy вusтy 19 year old blonde.
He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”
She said “I’m not pregnant”
Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not fсuкing rescued yet either”
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Why dont professional Womans basketball games ever sell out? Because only 3% of women are lеsвiаns...
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Kickass if you are a man, lame if you are a woman
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They say that when a women hits you it's her way of flirting. I just grabbed this girls аss and she flirted me square in the ваlls.
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My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body
He’ll be born in February.
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