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Jokes about Women

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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're right it wasn't!" Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had, the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."
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A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.
Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.
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Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
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Ένας κτηνοτρόφος πηγαίνει να εξομολογηθεί Ο αμαρτωλός Αγρότης Фермер се изповядва: Докторот го прашува Трпе: Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "I Arzt: „Was fehlt Ihnen?“ Patient: „Herr Doktor, ich liebe meinen Hund.“ Arzt: „Tut mir Leid. Als Krankheit ist das nicht anerkannt. Ich kann da nichts machen.“ Patient: „Aber Herr Doktor, ich liebe meinen Hund physisch …“ Arzt: “ Oh, ist es eine Hündin oder ein Rüde?“ Patient: „Eine Hündin... C Herr Schmitz zum Arzt: "Herr Doktor, ich liebe mein Pferd." "Na und - jeder liebt sein Tier. Ist doch nur natürlich, dass sie ihr Pferd lieben." "Herr Doktor - ich liebe mein Pferd auch physisch... "Ik ben verliefd op mijn paard", sprak de nerveuze man tegen de psychiater. "Dat is toch niet iets om u zorgen over te maken?" sprak de arts. "Veel mensen zijn gek op hun dieren. Mijn vrouw en ik... En man besökte den berömde psykiatrikern och sa, - Jo, herr doktorn. Mitt problem är som så att jag blivit extremt förälskad i en häst. - Vad då för slags häst? smålog läkaren. - Ett sto... Un homme va chez son psy et lui dit : - Docteur, il faut que je vous dise, je suis tombé amoureux de mon cheval... - De votre cheval? - Oui docteur de mon cheval, et je le désire sexuellement... -...
A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .
“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”
“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”
“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”
“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!”
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The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.
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As long as the power button to the PlayStation is in the 'on' position, she just slipped to number two on your list of priorities. And no woman wants to slip. She don't wanna be behind your mama, your friends, your career -- certainly not John Madden.
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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So, she went inside.
A woman appeared through a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But, just so you know, around here, most people knock before entering someone's home."
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I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.
The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.
The second guy had a degree and five years experience.
The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.
I am all for equal opportunities, so of course I employed the woman.
I’ll only have to pay her half as much.
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A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said,
"This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said,
"I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
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I was in the crazy maze at Alton Towers the other day.
I turned a corner n there were 4 muslim women in burkha’s….
I shouted “U Ракi Сunтs” and ran for it… …
Best game of pac man I ever had!
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said,
"Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said,
"But your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
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Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So it’s easier for them to stand next to the kitchen sink.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before in which the company played “Who’s Whose” - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the milkman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”
“You should have been,” said the housewife. “Your name came up three times.
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. Eine Frau geht zum BMW-Händler. Sie schaut sich um, und plötzlich sieht sie das perfekte Auto. Sie geht, hinüber um sich das Auto näher anzusehen. Als sie sich vorbeugt, um die edle Lederpolsterung zu erfühlen, entkommt ihr ein lauter Furz. Verlegen blickt sie sich um, ob irgendwer den kleinen... Uma senhora entra em uma concessionária Mercedes. Ela olha ao redor, acha o carro perfeito e começa a examiná-lo. Ao inclinar-se para ver se tinha revestimento de couro, deixa escapar um sonoro... Een vrouw loopt een Mercedes-showroom binnen. Ze kijkt wat rond, totdat ze de perfecte auto ziet. Ze gaat hem eens van dichtbij bekijken, maar als ze bukt om de leren bekleding goed te voelen, laat... ¡ Mierda de crisis! Una mujer entra en un concierto de BMW. Ve un coche que le gusta y se acerca a inspeccionarlo. Al agacharse a ver el interior se le escapa un sonoro pedo. Preucupada, se gira... Una signora entra in una concessionaria auto e si mette ad osservare una stupenda BMW. Osserva, tocca, accarezza la carrozzeria. Ad un tratto, chinandosi per annusare l’inebriante odore della pelle...
A woman walks into a store that sells expensive rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
"Hello M'am. How may I help you today?"
Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Well, you broke wind just touching it. I'm anxious to see what happens when you hear the price."
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My mate Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sеxy вusтy 19 year old blonde.
He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”
She said “I’m not pregnant”
Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not fсuкing rescued yet either”
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Why dont professional Womans basketball games ever sell out? Because only 3% of women are lеsвiаns...
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