Jokes about Women

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What I want to do is marry a white woman, never tell her that I'm black. And then when the baby comes out, accuse her of being a whоrе.

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I'm like, 'You wastin' all this money on this woman. You can't touch her; you can't take her home -- what are you gettin' out of this?' So, he try to tell me, like it's logical:
'Well, for me, strippers -- they fulfill a fantasy.' So I asked him, 'Well, have you ever tried wavin' that same three, four hundred dollars in front of your own woman?' Oh, they quiet now. You put out $500, your girl gonna do some freaky things, trust me! Trust me! You won't even recognize her... Not only will you get a fantasy, you might get some groceries, too.

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I’ve just joined a site after seeing a pop up saying ‘Meet Lots Of Women In Your Area For Sеx Tonight’
The next stage of the application said ‘Please Choose: 18-25, 26-33, 34-42, 43-49, Over 50’
I’ve gone for 43-49 women. Over 50 is just being greedy.

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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband,”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade.”

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A man has written a book about how to understand women. The pages are blank.

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This woman, who believed in natural birth, was having these abnormal contractions, went to see her Doctor. "Doc", she said,
"I'm feeling these abnormal contractions"
. The Doctor took a listen, and said:
"My dear lady, you’re going to be having triplets!"
Baffled, the woman asked:
"How can you tell?"
The Doctor responded:
"I hear inside:
"No, you go first!"
"No, you go first!" No, you go first!"

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“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite - haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

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The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the woman, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Are you in any pain?” she asked.
“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The woman leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”

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One cold winter day a boy was standing out side a shoe store praying to God for some socks or some shoes. Just them a lady walks up to him and says,
"Is there something that I can help you with?" He looks down at his feet,and says "well, I would like some shoes."
She grabs his hand and takes him in to the shoe store. She asks for a dozen pair of socks and a pair of shoes. They sit down; get the socks and shoes on. As the woman is getting up to leave, the boy says thank you, and she tells him that if he ever needs anything else, to not to be afraid to ask. So he asks, "Are you Gods wife?"

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I think men need to be married. Women are the other half of our brain. That's why God made us to be a couple. We come up with goofy ideas; the woman will think about that idea and the outcome and what can happen, stop you and save your life. That's why God made man and woman:
'Whoa, man! No!'

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Being Asian and a woman definitely has its advantages. For example, when you’ve had a few drinks and have to drive home past midnight, you think you're driving perfectly fine, but in reality you're not. Next thing you know, there's a cop. The cop sees you and doesn’t even bother pulling you over, let alone giving you a ticket. Why? Well, he’s probably thinking, “This person’s not under the influence, it’s just an Asian woman driving!”

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What’s black, has 8 legs, and makes women scream?
Gang rаре.

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A hot blonde woman is walking past a school with a pig in her hands A student yells "How did you get that"
The pig yells back "I won her in a raffle"

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So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a вuм, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for a fuск it, The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then goes to the pet store to get a dog, he asks for a соск and spank it, The lady at the counter replies with "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with yeah yeah whatever. That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says
"Can you please hold my вuм and fuск it while I go find my соск and spank it?"

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The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?”
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’

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Woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

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I’m sick of people knocking on my door, begging.
There’s just been a woman asking for donations for a sреrм bank……..
I gave her a right fсuкing mouthful.

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And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.

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