A woman goes to the doctor's and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says,
"Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead” he replied.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested, “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“£300!” she cried. “£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40.”
“But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up.”
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her раnтiеs, and thrusts her рuвiс area forward.
“There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”
“That’s not your chest!” he roars back.
“Dамn right it’s my chest,” she argued, “Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUСКING FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”
A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie’s lamp … He rubs the lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes… when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman. …
…
The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, lynched from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the ККК. …
…
The boy, confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens… the genie comes out and says “sorry, I’m all out of wishes”.
The boy says, “OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday?”
The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man.