Jokes about Women

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!"
"Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

0

0

What do you call a fат woman with a rаре whistle? …
Overly Optimistic.

0

0

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fат. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Dамn, do you have good eyesight!"

0

0

An elderly couple were considering marriage. The woman wanted to know how sexually active her future husband was and she asked him, "How active are you?"
The man replied, "Infrequently."
The woman thought for a minute then asked,
"Is that one word or two?"

0

0

I've been in love with a woman for seventeen years...
My wife would кill me if she ever found out!

0

0

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male маsтurватiоn, i. E. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren’t any common terms for female маsтurватiоn.
“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off,'” answered one of the women.
“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,'” criticised the first.
“You’re right,” another commented. “We DON’T seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”
The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”
“What’s that?”
“Finishing the job!” she responded.

0

0

God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds, alright? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full grown тiттy.

0

0

The Реnis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's реnis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sеx. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sеx. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of вееr, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

0

0

A woman is like a game of pool.
It’s game over once the black’s gone in.

0

0

A man not knowledgeable of antiques, or their history, was standing next to a woman who was looking at a century old painting. As she stood admiring the priceless painting she said to the man that the painting went back to Louie The Fourteenth. The man replied to her that that was nothing, that he has a couch that goes back to Sears the 15th.

0

0

On 60th birthday of salma in Lahore Pakistan. Everyone was admired her.
In goodwill speech rednecks told " Salma is a complete woman.
Friends later asked about it.
He says" she adores Anant which was her platonic love.
She is thankful to alim who married her.
She don't forget aslam with whom she had first sеx.
She is excited about abdul who was her long time lover.
She also praises wajid for children she had in her life.
And she also craves for sеx with biber in her dreams.
Isn't she a complete woman.

0

0

When the man first noticed that his реnis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.
“Crutches???” the doctor asked.
“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

0

0

Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.”
Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

0

0

We have this other friend, he's a homophobe. Now it's really weird 'cause the three of us, we can't hang out together. We can't be in the same room 'cause you know the homophobe's like, 'Hey, I'm not hanging out with him. He's going to try and have sеx with me.' Why would he want that? 'Because he's gаy and I'm a guy.' Dude, women don't want to f**k you. You don't appeal to heterosexuals. Now you think you're homolicious? What's wrong with you?

0

0

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

0

0

Women are natural born artist. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions.

0

0

What do you call a female postal worker in china?
Mai Ling

0

0

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator…- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat- Italy
One hand on horn,
One hand greeting,
One ear on cell phone,
One ear listening to loud music,
Foot on accelerator,
Eyes on female pedestrians,
Conversation with someone in the car.
- Welcome to India!!

0

0