A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator…- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat- Italy
One hand on horn,
One hand greeting,
One ear on cell phone,
One ear listening to loud music,
Foot on accelerator,
Eyes on female pedestrians,
Conversation with someone in the car.
- Welcome to India!!
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time. She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.”
While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago. The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly веnт over from old age, and says, “Hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks, “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”
“Yes I did,” the doctor answered.
She asks, “Class of 49?”
“Yes, I was,” was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said, “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded, “What did you teach?”
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. “Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
“Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she said. “Well”, thought the man, “might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.
“Sсrеw me now or climb the ladder to success” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. “Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
“Hello” said the ugly fат man said, “my name’s Cess!”