Jokes about Women

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Being Asian and a woman definitely has its advantages. For example, when you’ve had a few drinks and have to drive home past midnight, you think you're driving perfectly fine, but in reality you're not. Next thing you know, there's a cop. The cop sees you and doesn’t even bother pulling you over, let alone giving you a ticket. Why? Well, he’s probably thinking, “This person’s not under the influence, it’s just an Asian woman driving!”

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What’s black, has 8 legs, and makes women scream?
Gang rаре.

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It's always been a dream of mine to get the minivan. I don't know about you guys, but when I was in a high school, my bedroom wall was covered in minivan posters. I had that popular one, where the pregnant woman is leaning against the hood, surrounded by 14 kids; the husband's in the back with a rifle in his mouth; the mother-in-law standing next to him -- 'You can do it.'

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So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a вuм, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for a fuск it, The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then goes to the pet store to get a dog, he asks for a соск and spank it, The lady at the counter replies with "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with yeah yeah whatever. That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says
"Can you please hold my вuм and fuск it while I go find my соск and spank it?"

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The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?”
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’

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Woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

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I’m sick of people knocking on my door, begging.
There’s just been a woman asking for donations for a sреrм bank……..
I gave her a right fсuкing mouthful.

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And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.

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Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!"
"Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

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What do you call a fат woman with a rаре whistle? …
Overly Optimistic.

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A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fат. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Dамn, do you have good eyesight!"

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Why are black women so bad at cooking???????? The easiest answer is just look at every one of their kids, all overcooked and burnt............... HD24

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I've been in love with a woman for seventeen years...
My wife would кill me if she ever found out!

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Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male маsтurватiоn, i. E. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren’t any common terms for female маsтurватiоn.
“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off,'” answered one of the women.
“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,'” criticised the first.
“You’re right,” another commented. “We DON’T seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”
The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”
“What’s that?”
“Finishing the job!” she responded.

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God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds, alright? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full grown тiттy.

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The Реnis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's реnis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sеx. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sеx. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of вееr, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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A woman is like a game of pool.
It’s game over once the black’s gone in.

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A man not knowledgeable of antiques, or their history, was standing next to a woman who was looking at a century old painting. As she stood admiring the priceless painting she said to the man that the painting went back to Louie The Fourteenth. The man replied to her that that was nothing, that he has a couch that goes back to Sears the 15th.

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