Jokes about Women

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My wife told me I had a small реnis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.
I then showed her a video of me fсuкing her sister.
“I’ve never been so hurt in all my life,” she said.
“Argument won,” I replied

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Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says:
“ I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray.” “Why not? He’s loved you through three shades already.” Replied her friend.

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My wife is my best friend. I hang out with her all the time, which is good, but it's also kind of bad to have a woman as your best friend. It's been giving me an identity crisis and, worse than that, I'm pretty sure I've got a yeast infection.

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The name of this song is 'Things We Want to Know.' The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys:
'Why do you think you're so pretty? And why do you wear the раnтy hose? And why do you drink so much and don't have no money? And why do you mess with my stereo?' Here are the ladies:
'Why are all your friends so sтuрid? And why don't you wipe the toilet seat? Why is your fantasy to be with two women -- and you can't handle me?'

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A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” she said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”
“Your party has done me good,” he said. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.”

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I, my woman and my best friend were in the pub tonight and he said, “It looks like your main squeeze is developing a spare tire.”
I said, “Yeah, My guess is that it’s a P175/65R15.”

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Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?
They know Jewish women can’t resist anything with 10% off.

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their вrеаsтs.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.

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A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn't work. The cashier told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, "Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs!"
The cashier didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn't give her a refund.
Once again, she yelled, "Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "I like my тiтs grabbed when I'm getting sсrеwеd!"

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Take five female pigs, and put them with five male deer.
You would have ten sows and bucks!

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I try to recycle, I try to save water, but sometimes I go, 'The hеll with it. We're losing. I'm giving up.' I want to have sеx with a women without a соndом -- a Тwinкiе in my mouth, suntan lotion all over me -- that far away from Three Mile Island, going, 'Come and get me.'

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A man sees a beautiful woman.
Approaching her, and in his coolest Barry White tone says:
" If good looks where a minute, you would be an hour"
The woman looks deep into the man's eyes and in her sexiest voice replies:
"If good looks were within your reach, you wouldn’t have any arms."

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Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?
If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?.
Your father must be a thief, he stole the stars and put them in your eyes
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
- ” Do you belivev in love at first site, or do i need to walk by again?” Comback: I have an idea, walk by again and keep going!
Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number? Woman: It’s in the phone book. Man: But I don’t know your name. Woman: That’s in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Im a female impersonator.
Man: Haven’t we met before? Woman: Perhaps, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

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When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out, “You’ll be OK, just kick his ваlls…”
…So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the воllоскs, dropping it to the ground.
“No, no!” she shouted, “The ones on the front garden”

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Two women were sitting together on an airplane. The younger woman turns to the other and says,
"I don't mean to stare but your diamond ring is gorgeous. I don't think I ever saw such a large stone." The older woman said,
"It's a very special ring; it comes with a curse!"
"Oh my, what kind of curse" said the naive young woman. This ring comes with ... Mr. Plopnick.

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Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

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I was sat opposite a woman вrеаsт-feeding her son on the bus this morning.
I leaned over and quietly said, “Excuse me, don’t you think that’s a bit inappropriate in public?”
The woman replied, “Not at all. It’s completely natural.”
Then her son popped his head up and said, “Yeah, so рiss off.”

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During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.

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