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Jokes about Women

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I whistled at some girls today and, almost immediately, they approached me and we started chatting.
I love refereeing female football matches.
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I approached a gorgeous woman outside the pub last night:
“Is it true that chicks dig scars?”
“Not me,” she said. “I can’t stand them.”
“Good,” I said, pulling out my knife. “Then I’m sure you’ll do what you’re told…”
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The best way to get over one woman is to get under another...
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A woman was telling her boyfriend that she always dreamed that she would walk down the aisle with him.
So the very next day he took her to the supermarket.
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Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
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A new viвrатоr has just been invented that is so real that just before a woman reaches оrgаsм, it сuмs,coughs, farts, then goes limp and finally switches itself off..
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When a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't really want your opinion. She wants to hear her opinion, in a deeper voice.
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A blind woman told me I had a big реnis yesterday. I think she was pulling my leg.
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I work with some women who are really skinny -- really really skinny. They have this thing called 'salad time.' There's a leader. 'Salad time,' she'll say to the other ones, and they all get up and walk with her. They go get salads and bring them back and then discuss who's healthiest. They're like... 'Crunchy Chinese noodles -- what a fun, crunchy treat.' Sсrеw you both. Doritos are a fun, crunchy treat.
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There's a woman in front of me -- she's a little bit big. And I don't want to make fun of people's weight because we all have good years and our bad years. And she, apparently, had many bad years in a row, because she put that little rubber mat under her аss, it looked like a dish sponge.
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Guy moves in with the woman: you just mess up her place and рiss her off for six months. And she walks around going, 'How can one person leave every pair of dirтy underwear all over the floor?' Because women don't know what the floor is for. Women think the floor is a way to get from this room to that room. Men realize the floor is actually a low, flat shelf.
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Two eggs were boiling in a pan. The female egg said to the male egg, “Ooh, look, I’ve got a сrаск.”
The male egg replied, “Calm down, I’m not hard yet.”
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A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.
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The lady who started the Grumpy Cat on facebook is now a millionaire.
Just another example of a woman using her рussy for profit.
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An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. “I’m so happy to see you recovering”, he says. The woman responds, “Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?” He replies, “Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure.”
“In fact,” he goes on, “you’ve given birth to twins - a boy and a girl.”
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, “Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. We’ll call and tell him you’re okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names.”
At this point, the woman gets upset, “Doctor, my brother is an idiот! What name did he give my little girl?” The doctor answered that her name was Denise. “Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. What name did he give my boy?” The doctor answered, “Denephew”.
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What is the difference between a European colonist and a tornado?
Tornadoes can't rаре women
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If you're a woman and you get вrеаsт reduction, you need to donate those воовs. There are flat women out there, right now, who actually have to think of clever things to say in conversation.
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A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To кill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to кill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
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