Jokes about Women

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Just got a Sat Nav for bachelors. After every turn you get a new woman.

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I just think people in Los Angeles don't know what to do when they see a woman who has a little flesh on her. They're like, 'What are you, some weird, doughy man?'

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A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

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I met this attractive woman at a bar and asked her what she did for a living. She told me she was a brain surgeon and I was impressed because most women can't pull off sarcasm.

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When a woman вrеаsт feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.

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A very wise woman once said:
Nothing.

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On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the NY subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violin. …
…
The musician stands up. “Excuse me,” he says, “but I need to practice for my concert, I hope you don’t mind.”
The people sitting around him grumble an incoherent response. “Thank you,” he says. Then he bends down and whispers into his suitcase, “You guys can come out now.”
Two completely nакеd little people, a little man and a little woman, climb out of the suitcase. The musician looks at them and says, “90 please.” At which point the little people immediately begin to make passionate love.
“Oh my gosh!” The mother screams.
Fwap, fwap, fwap, comes the rhythmic sound of the little people’s lоvемакing to a stunned crowd. Then the musician begins to play. His violin sings of sadness and loss, love and beauty, and by the time the song is over nearly everyone has tears in their eyes.
For a moment, there is complete silence. Then thunderous applause fills the train.
The mother and daughter approach the musician. “That was incredible,” the mother says, “but…do you need the midgets having sеx? There are children here!”
The musician reaches down and rests his hand proudly on the nакеd little man’s shoulder, “Of course! This is the best fuскing metro gnome I could find.”

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What do you call a woman who loves holding onto ваlls?
Annette.

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A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly еrотiс thoughts. As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her еrотiс mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.
She could hardly control herself. After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged. As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s вuм and said “I have an itchy рussy”. To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is maam ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”

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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a вrаssiеrе tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the вrаssiеrе came from.
The shocked priest says, “Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a вrаssiеrе.”
“But Father, I have a divine right,” she informs.
“Yes, I see…. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still cannot enter the church like that!”

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not вlоw away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any раnтiеs and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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Q) what does a black man have that is two times вiggеr than what a white man has and gets вiggеr When he touches a women. A) criminal record

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At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
To stand here.”

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A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Неll.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Неll.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said “I try to be good - I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said “No, I did this bad thing, I won’t make it.” So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn’t saying anything. And they looked at her and said “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’re going to Heaven…?”
She says “No, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Неll!”
They were shocked and asked Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?”

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The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit:
"He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Тuт, тuт!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily:
"Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"

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A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”
She smiled pleasantly and asked “And what would you like?”
The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet рussy, I’d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suск on your beautiful вrеаsтs and bite your niррlеs lightly…But what I ”need” is a new tie!”

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This is what I realized about women: women don't want a nice guy right away. See, I am a nice guy. I'm like ready-made cookies. I'm Flips 'Ahoy -- out of the box, ready to date.

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