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Jokes about Women

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I saw something cute the other day. I saw this woman pushing a stroller, and in the stroller was a small dog. And I was like, 'Lucky dog.' And she's like, 'Well, he's paralyzed.'
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A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest:
“How many times?”
Woman:
“Three times.”
Priest:
“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest:
“What did you do?”
Man:
“I committed adultery.”
Priest:
- ”How many times?”
Man:
“Three times.”
Priest:
“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi:
“What did you do?”
Woman:
“I committed adultery.”
Rabbi:
“How many times?”
Woman:
“Once.”
Rabbi:
“Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”
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A friend of mine got in trouble for punching an african-american woman. In his defense, he was told to go to Home Depot and get a black and decker.
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3 reasons why too much вееr can turn a man into a woman.
1. Gives you manboobs.
2. Makes you talk nonsense.
3. Reduces your driving skills.
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I don’t see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.
I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.
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A white woman and a black dude are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.
When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undrеssing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant s3x with each other.
However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off…. Is it true what they say about black guys?”
With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said, “Baby, of course.”
Then he then proceeded to stab her and ran out the door with her purse.
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An American couple visiting in a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.
"Gesundheit" said the clerk.
"Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."
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My mother told me a long time ago, she said, 'True love lasts for two years.' Do you know what else lasts for only two years? Cell phone contracts. What if they got it right? I've left tons of women, but I will not leave Sprint.
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Whenever I’m in the supermarket and I see a woman picking up a cucumber, I give them a little wink and a smile… just to see how many go red and put it back.
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Word meanings:
Vagina: Slice of heaven between a woman’s legs.
Cunt: A vaginas host!
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A blonde, a brunette and a red head walk into a bar. The bartender
Tells them that there is a magic mirror in the bathroom. If they tell
The truth while looking into it then they get something nice, but if
They lie then they disappear.
The brunette walks in, looks in the mirror and says,
"I think that I
Am the sexiest woman in the bar." And $1 million pops up in the sink.
The red head walks in, looks in the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the
Smartest woman in the bar." And car keys to Viper pop out of the sink.
The blonde walks in, looks in the mirror and says,
"I think....." And
She disappears.
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Just got a Sat Nav for bachelors. After every turn you get a new woman.
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A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
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I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me,
“Excuse me, why don’t you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down.”
“Why the fuск should I? ” I replied, “I’ve paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home.”
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
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I met this attractive woman at a bar and asked her what she did for a living. She told me she was a brain surgeon and I was impressed because most women can't pull off sarcasm.
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When a woman вrеаsт feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
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A very wise woman once said:
Nothing.
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