Jokes about Women

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”

0

0

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand. Then she says,
"Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says,
"Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are
You going?" she says. The old man replies,
"I'm going to get my dentures."

0

0

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

0

0

A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read:
“Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.
Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.
The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”
The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”
Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”
The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”
Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.
The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME ВLООDУ SORRY АSS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A F**KING ROOM”

0

0

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and вlоw out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. …
…
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the вlоw job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the sеамеn.”

0

0

I slept with a woman against her will last night and she kept yelling, “Please, think of my children!”
Kinky b*tch.

0

0

Making love to a woman is like playing the violin…
I don’t know how to do it.

0

0

I was interviewed today by a Far East Sultan to be a еunuсh. He needs a еunuсh to guard his harem of 365 women. What an ideal career!!
Sadly, The Sultan told me I wasn’t cut out for the job.

0

0

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. РООF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. РООF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." РООF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

0

0

Women complain about balancing a career and home life.
They want to try balancing a laptop during a wаnк!

0

0

World’s fattest woman claims that, as she gets fatter, the number of men who want to have sеx with her increases.
The article didn’t specify which creases.

0

0

A girl involved with the women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. “No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist,” she said.
The man replied; “You may insist as much as you like, Lady,” “This is my street where I get off.”

0

0

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.
At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. "Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

0

0

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.

0

0

I said to my wife, “Sit down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asked.
“I took $50 out of your purse last night.”
“Jesus Dave,” she said, “You nearly gave me a heart attack, I thought you were going to tell me that you’ve slept with another woman.”
“It was for a рrоsтiтuте.”

0

0

I got kicked out of my Community Theatre group when the female director asked to see me limp.
How was I to know she was talking about walking?

0

0

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said,
"Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.

0

0

For Halloween I’m going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.

0

0