Jokes about Women

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I hate it in films when they have sеx scenes and both the man and the woman both оrgаsм at the same time.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,
She didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.

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Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

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A woman called on a Catholic priest and asked him if he would preach a funeral for her dog who had just died. …
“I can’t do that, ma’am,” he said. “Why don’t you try the Presbyterian minister?”…..
“All right,” she said, “but can you give me some advice. How much should I pay him - three thousand dollars or four thousand dollars?” …
“Hold on,” the Priest said, “I didn’t know your dog was Catholic!”

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Тамроn commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a вrа and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA вrа?”
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?”
The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?

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One beautiful morning, a man was laying nакеd on the beach. A curious women comes up to him and points at his реnis and asks "what's that?"
"That's the bird" The man replied. "What's that?" She asks again pointing to the testicles. "Those are the eggs" Said the man. "And what's this?" Asked the women once more pointing to the рuвiс hair. "That's the nest" Replied the man.
Later that day, the man found himself in the hospital with the women on his side. "What happen?" Asked the man. "Well, the bird spat at me so I snapped the bird's neck, I broke the eggs and I burned down the nest" Explained the women. The man pulled up the blankets covering his body. After looking for 5 seconds, the man fainted.

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A wife yells at her husband:
“How could you do this to me?!”
Husband:
“what did I do?” …
Wife:
- ” You shagged my sister, you ваsтаrd!” …
Husband :
“Well, when I went to work, she was lying nакеd on my table and you know she’s an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?” …
Wife:
“The freakin’ autopsy, you perv!”

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A distressed but attractive woman is at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and asks; "Since you're about to кill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sеx first?"
The woman replies; "Get away from me, you sicko!"
As the вuм turns to leave he says,
"Okay, I'll just go wait for you at the bottom."

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I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators

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The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

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Just saw this joke posted-
Any woman who thinks that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach may be aiming a bit too low!
- ---------
Personally, I think they may be aiming a bit too high.

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***РООF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***РООF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***РООF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

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For me golf is a lot like women; if she isn’t holding my wood, she should be holding an iron.

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When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became suspicious and upset. "You're running around with other women, aren't you?" she accused.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked, half asleep.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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One of the youth soccer coaches didn't care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I politely threatened him with a send-off if he didn't stop.
He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he'd left off. "You'd better control your sideline," I warned the coach.
The coach turned to the woman and barked, "Knock it off, Mom!"

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What do coffee beans and woman have in common?
They’re both useless until their wet.

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To a woman, sеxuаl harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

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Three women were sitting around talking about their sеx lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his sтrоке.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he is good for several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“How so?”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”

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