Jokes about Women

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A woman puts on a dress two sizes smaller than her large frame and thinking that she looked good she turned to her brother and asked,
"How do I look in this dress?"
He said,
"Not too bad."
Smiling ever so sweetly, she then started to prance. Realizing his mistake, the brother then said,
"I said you don't look TOO bad, that doesn't mean that you don't still look bad."

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I got really excited yesterday. This woman I was dating called me and said, “Come over, there’s no one home.”
So I went over. There was no one home.

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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while, a beggar came up to her and said,
"Hello, luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you," retorted the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
Well then," said the тrамр, "what are you doing in my bed?"

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Go to the animal centre for a dog, and you’re a sаinт.
Go to the woman’s shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

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Woman with вrеаsт implants = Cheap and fake
Woman with вrеаsт implants that has a squeaky toy inside = Genius

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I’ve been playing poker on Facebook.
So far I’ve poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
“Use more soap on раnтiеs!”
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
“Use more soap on раnтiеs!”
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
“I USE PLENTY SOAP ON РАNТIЕS!!!USE MORE PAPER ON YOUR Аrsе!!”

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Can’t believe how sexist my local gym is. They cancelled my membership because they said apparently “men aren’t allowed in the female shower rooms”.

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Here's a quiz for you!
A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left?
If you got 500, you're correct.
How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps.
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in the fridge
3. Close the door
Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge?
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Take out the elephant
3. Put the zebra in
4. Close the door
All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it?
The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge!
A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why?
The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering.
After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why?
The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.

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What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.

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Finally I got laid on top of a how woman, I was on the upper berth and she on the lower one.

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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill Of coarse!

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Q. Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?
A. So you can read their lips.

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I knocked on my neighbour’s door.
I said, “Your cat sat on the bonnet of my car and left scratch marks all over it.”
“I can only apologise!” said the woman, “He won’t do it again.”
I said, “Of course not, he’s dead.”

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Had a really fun night out last night, there’s nothing better than manslaughter. I also enjoy hearing women laugh as well.

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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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The reason old men use Viаgrа is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly.

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I came across a corpse of a young woman this morning.
I’m going to have to be real careful or I’m going to get the sack from the Funeral Directors
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