A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"
"I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
"I would have gotten out today!"
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. …
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Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! ….
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We have all had bad dates…but this takes the cake. …
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This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays . This was on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno. … Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. This winner described her worst first date experience.
(There is absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!)
Marilyn said it was midwinter… snowing and quite cold…and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her рее beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her вuтт rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she веnт to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to schoolyard chain link fences immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date’s concerns about “what was taking so long” with a reply that indeed, she was “freezing her вuтт off and needed some assistance”!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and рее her вuтт off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show… she took the prize hands down… or perhaps that should be “pants down.”
And you thought your first date was embarrassing ?!?!?!
Jay Leno’s comment - - - - “This gives a whole new meaning to being рissеd off”.
A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says “Yes, but before we do, there`s something you must know. I have never had the sеx, but I`ve read about it.” He says that it`s not a problem, and they are married. On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she`s a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says “Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sеx, but I`ve read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says “You want.. the beef and broccoli?”