While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hеll are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've sсrеwеd everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.
There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get кinкy with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a вееr. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the fuск is dinner?!?'"
Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Sаinт Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Sаinт Peter.
“This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m feeling lenient,” Sаinт Peter replied. “You can go on in.”
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Sаinт Peter. “Before I died, I was a manager,” he said. “But I scratched off the second ‘a,’ and now it says ‘manger.'”
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well.”
The third man pulled out a pair of women’s underwear and handed them to Sаinт Peter.
“Now look, this is ridiculous,” Sаinт Peter exclaimed. “I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!”
The man blushed and responded, “They’re Carol’s.”
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Sаinт Peter is Einstein. Sаinт Peter questions him.
“You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Sаinт Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Sаinт Peter is suitably impressed.
“You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Sаinт Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Sаinт Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nudе women: he captures their essences with just a few strokes of the chalk. Sаinт Peter claps.
“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George Bush. Sаinт Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Bush looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “For fсuк’s sake, come on in, George.”