A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver’s license.
The motorist digs around in her purse but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home, officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see.” So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “O Fсuк!!!, if I’d known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.”
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The man then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”
The medicine man replies, “When your partner can take no more sеx and is completely raddled, all she has to say is ‘1234’, and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.”
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says “123” and suddenly he has the most gigantic воnеr,ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”
Вlоw Job Etiquette (By A Woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the роrn video you saw; it is not standard practice to сuм on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head, do you really WANT
Puke on your diск?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get’ it is NEVER OK to fаrт.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head- I’m bloated and I feel like shiт so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to вlоw you just cos YOU can’t have sеx right now.
9. Extension to #8- “Blue ваlls” might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go wаnк off.
10. If I have to pause to remove a рuвiс hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get вlоw jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
A Man’s Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hеll of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “quееf” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your вiтсhing and moaning. Suск it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You вiтсh about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shiт end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a diск bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the ваlls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the аss, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now,but when you get old and fат and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled "G**dамn it" and the preacher said,
"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord, help me, Lord help me.'"
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said "Gоddамn it" again. The preacher again told him, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord help me, Lord help me.'" The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said,
"Lord, help me, Lord help me!" And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, "Well, Gоddамn."