A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
Three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
“$250”, the man said. “Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000,
Responds the clerk. “He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of
Your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an
Expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “$1,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird’s
Specialty was.
The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.
But the other two call him ” Team Leader “!!
Henry took his wife to the fair every year, and every time she would say to him you know that id love to go for a ride in that helicopter.
But henry would reply, i know that vicky but that hellicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50.
Finally, they went to the fair and vicky said to henry,henry, you know im 87 years old now, If i dont ride that helicopter this year, i may never get another chance .
Once again henry replied vicky you know that helicopter is $50 and $50 is $50.
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couples conversation and said listen folks ill make a deal with you.
I’ll take both of you for a ride ,if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say aa word i wont charge you, but if you say just one word, its $50 they agreed and up they went in the helicopter.
The pilot preformed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not aword was said by them both.
The pilot did his death-deffying tricks over and over again but still not a word.
When they finally landed the pilot turned to vicky and said…Wow ive got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream but you didnt, im really impressed.
Vicky replied, well to be hoest i almost said something when henry fell out.
But you know 50 dollars is 50 dollars
An Army recruit went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.
The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!”
“Yes sir, b.. bu.. but I got them b.. broken in an accident,” stammered the man.
“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, drill accident?”
“No, no nothing of those,” said the private.
“Well then, what is it?”
“I’d rather not tell you sir…”
“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the medical officer, ready to stand up.
“I’ve to see my patients now.”
“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girlfriend,” blurted the private.
“Don’t be dаfт man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?”
“You see she crossed her legs….”
Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hеll was that for?”
The cop answers, “you’re in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”
The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, “what’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “just making your wish come true.”
The passenger asks, “making what wish come true?”
The cop says, “I know that, two miles down the road, you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that аsshоlе had tried that fсuкing sh1t with me!'”