Baby Jokes

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A Black man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical black baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing black baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled.
"Why?
What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

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Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: *Opens mouth*
Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!" *Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.* "KA-BOOM"

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There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

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Q: Do you know why women over fifty don't have babies?
A: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

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A mother goes to the market and leaves her lilttle boy in the house.
Meanwhile, she leaves her phone charging on the floor in the house.
Unfortunately, power goes off and there is a message that comes with a sound on the phone.
The message reads, ' battery low'.
Concerned, the little boy picks the phone and puts it on the table and wait for some time waiting to see another message on the phone that should read, 'battery high'.
He was disappointed.

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Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.

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Q: Which part of the military do babies join?
A: The infantry.

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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."
The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a реnis AND a brain?"

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Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".

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Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".

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Wife:
"Every sunday you go for fishing, right?"
Husband:
"Yeah... Why?"
Wife:
"Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."

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Willy:
"Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother:
"I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?"
Willy:
"Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."

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A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

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What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?
He whale-d.

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What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging...
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fаn?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

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Whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper?
A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shiтs across the floor.

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When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies,
"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert,"
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store fат for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..."
"Yes son?"
"What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

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