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Criminal Jokes

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After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
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A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rаре, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there was a bunch of them!”
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Thirty years ago I murdered both of my parents in a fit of rage.
I then slaughtered both of my sisters and my brother. Before I calmed down, I visited all my friends and killed each and every one of them.
It was a terrible episode in my life and I regret it now more than ever.
I get released tomorrow and there’s no one to pick me up.
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There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order … The police believe they’re still at large.
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A girl from work asked if I’d drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily.
I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, “How did you know where I lived?”
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I got chased by a niggеr the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
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Give a man a gun, he’ll rob a bank …
…
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Teach a man to run a bank, he’ll rob the American people.
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I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, “Give me all your money now, вiтсh, or you’re geography.”
“Don’t you mean history?” she replied.
I said, “Don’t try to change the subject.”
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I pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.
When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager.
“But sir,” the managers says, “this check is only made out for $100.”
“That’s right,” replies the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping n having вuтт sеx with my wife.”
“What! I didn’t sleep with your wife!” exclaims the manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.
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This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he’d asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.
Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to рее.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.
“I think it was sеx-related,” offered one of the crew.
“Sеx releated? How do you figure that?” said the investigator.
“Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, diск in his hand, screaming, ‘where did that соскsuскеr go???'”
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Last week while driving at a red light 2 drop dead gorgeous girls started to wash my windows with there вrеаsтs, after they asked-not for a tip but if I could give them a ride, I agreed they both got into the backseat and started having sеx with each other then one of them jumped into the front seat and performed оrаl sеx on me while the other stole my wallet… My wallet got stolen last Wednesday, Thursday , twice on Saturday yesterday and probably tomorrow…
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What’s the quickest way to turn a blonde into a redhead?
Ask Oscar Pistorius
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I had sеx with this girl I met at a club last night. It was inevitable it was going to happen, you could tell, just by the chemistry.
Rohypnol and chloroform.
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I approached a gorgeous woman outside the pub last night:
“Is it true that chicks dig scars?”
“Not me,” she said. “I can’t stand them.”
“Good,” I said, pulling out my knife. “Then I’m sure you’ll do what you’re told…”
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I met a really hоrny вiтсh on the way home from the pub last night and I commented on how fcukable she looked.
She thanked me for the compliment and suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sеx with her.
Actually, she said nothing like that but I’ve always had an extraordinary talent for reading between the lines.
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I like my women how I like my light bulbs…
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Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.
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I’ve been charged with мurdеr for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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