Criminal Jokes

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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.

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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere

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One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said,
"God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

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Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, "I hear sirens.
Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

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A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava.
He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

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An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

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Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

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This guy goes into a Sреrм Bank with a gun and a ski mask and yells at the receptionist to open the safe. She's confused, thinking this is the world's dumbest criminal.
"Sir, this is a sреrм bank, we don't have money in here! That safe is full of donated sреrм samples!"
The robber screams for her to open it. At this point, she's confused. Maybe he's just a guy who thought better of becoming an anonymous donor and wants his sample back. She opens the safe like he commanded.
The robber yells: "Now bring over that tray!" The woman does as he asks and brings the tray of sреrм samples to the counter. As soon as the tray hits the counter, the menacing criminal makes further demands: "Now open that container and drink it!"
The woman's gag reflex triggers. She barely manages to stammer out "that's disgusting! I won't do it!" Angered the man in the ski mask соскs the hammer on his pistol and repeats his command to drink one of the samples. The woman complies, he tells her to drink another, and another until the entire tray is gone. Once the last cup is finished the man pulls off his ski mask and goes:
"See honey, it's not that fuскing hard."

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!”
(”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Сhrisт so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there?
All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

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I got pulled over by the police - He came to the window and said “papers.” … …
…
I said “scissors, I win” - and drove off … …
…
He must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for ages!

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If being ugly was a сriме u would get a life sentence

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What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief? …
An amateur thief says, “Give me all your money!” …
A professional thief says, “Sign here please…”

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Suicide is illegal because it’s a сriме to destroy government property.

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1 your so dumb you thing Cheerios are donut seeds!

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Q: Why'd the robber take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

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My mate asked me why I have sеx noises saved on my ipod.
I said, “It’s for sound effects during sеx.”
He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”
I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

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Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. Both scared, they pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill and says, "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

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