Criminal Jokes

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Roses are Red
Violets are blue
We’re having sex
Cause i’m stronger than you.

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PRISON OFFICER: OK, Sutcliffe, dinners finished.
What do you want for dessert? Ice Cream? Jelly?
SUTCLIFFE: No - But I could мurdеr a tart

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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sеx there and then.
God, I love my new Taser.

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Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new ‘Alphabet Bomb’.
If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

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My wife said sеx was getting boring and she wanted to try something new.
She asked me to strangle her during sеx because she read it heightened the pleasure.
And it really did, for me anyway.
Her funeral is in 3 days….

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A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting “Murderer!"
"Killer!”….
….
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. …
The policeman :” Tell me what happened. ”
The suspect :” Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? ”
Policeman :” No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people?”
Suspect :” Well that coward ran towards the other 12.”

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A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!”
The man says, “Don’t you mean history?”
The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the subject!”

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News : ‘Man Attacked Doorman With Axe’.
Attacking a doorman is one thing, but attacking a doorman that’s got an axe?
Hats off to the bloke.

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The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses - front face and two sideshots. They said: “We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him.” Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: “We got the fella in the middle but we’re still looking for the other two!”

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I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

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You know you’re good at sеx when she tells her friends.
And her family.
And the police.

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The advert said, “Just two pounds a week can help reduce the problem of domestic violence in the UK.”
I suppose I could cut down, and only pound the wife twice a week.

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Some diскhеаd stole my wife’s purse last night.
I’m furious. All my money was in it.

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My next door neighbour was showing me her rаре kit, pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock.
Fuck me, mine’s only a balaclava and a knife.

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I guess Black Friday started early in Ferguson

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As my wife lay dead on the floor and the weapon next to her the detective said, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I was cleaning it and it went off”, I replied.
“It’s a fuскing bow and arrow”, He shouted.

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I committed the perfect сriме: I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.
Nobody suspected a thing.

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Don’t you hate it when your girl calls you the wrong name during sеx?
My name isn’t someone help.

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