Criminal Jokes

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James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful
“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.”
The words of a rарisт if ever there was one.

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Once upon a tie there were 3 prisoners about to be executed via firing squad and upon asking the first prisoner if they had anything left to say, he yelled, "Oh my God! Killer Bee swarms!" Everyone panicked and scattered and ran and that prisoner was able to escape.

After all the chaos calmed, they brought out the second prisoner. They did the same asking about last words, the prisoner yelled "Tsunami & Tornadoes!" Once again the crowd scattered and prisoner #2 escaped.

Now, everyone was reassembled and they brought out prisoner #3. Same practice once again. This time the prisoner yelled "FIRE!"

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I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.
Never saw my BMW again.

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What’s the only victimless сriме you can commit? Мurdеr, cause there’s a victimless!

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Why did the person go to jail?
He committed a сriме.

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My time machine landed slap ваng in the middle of Hitlers living room in 1940.
I thought now’s my chance to change the world.
“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”
“Gas the Jews?” Нiтlеr replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.

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Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife in his car and know one could see him. He threw the body out the car and thew the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife is dead and to come to the sene of the сriме. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops amediently arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said qhere the sene of the сriме is.

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What is the most common сriме in China?
Identity fraud

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EU Delegate: “Sir, your country has the highest corruption and сriме rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?”
Ambassador: tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros “You didn’t see any statistics.”

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There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the сriме seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma’m and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

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Me:911 I just killed someone
Cops:Cool we will not come
Me:Why
Cops:Don’t admit a сriме.
Phones:Ваng Bang
Me:Well that was 2 crimes done.

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what did pepper say to spray
hey spray im pepper
and i think we should fight сriме!!!

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Why did the skeleton run away from the сriме scene?
He didnt have the guts to see it.

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What’s the smartest сriме?
3rd degree мurdеr.

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Have you ever been accused of a сriме you didn’t commit? Well I have! I was wrongfully accused of larsiny yesterday, im not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.m

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If you were to ask me: “Where would be the worst place to commit a сriме?”, I would say a multi-storey car park. Because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

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Shrien Dewani’s trial has collapsed in South Africa and tonight he’s a free man…
Although if you ask me, he’s been a free man since the night his wife was shot dead.

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Did you hear about the сriме in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

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