Criminal Jokes

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I’m starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sеx.
Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

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The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defence attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial.
“Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?”
“Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied.
“And when was that?” pressed the attorney.
“Well… when he asked for his third cup.” she said.

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What’s black and steals things?
A magpie, you racist ваsтаrds.

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This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain ‘spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.

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I can’t believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.
I mean, for fuск sake they visit her nearly every day and haven’t dropped in to see me once,
And my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

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A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

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I don’t talk during sеx.
My mum always said, never talk to strangers.

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“Don’t tell women how to dress, tell men not to rаре!”
“No one asks to be rареd!”
“Women can dress however they want!”
OK feminists.
I guess we should tell niggеrs not to attack me as I walk through Hackney, instead of asking me to take off my ККК robes, right?

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A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.

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Girls love surprises.
Girls love sеx.
So why is it that when both are combined they don’t love it nearly quite as much?

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I was on my way to a fancy dress party the other night when I spotted a woman being rареd.
As I stood there watching her get rареd, the woman screamed “why aren’t you doing something?”
“Because this is just a costume love, I’m not really batman.”

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Women deserve equal rights.
And lefts.

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Apparently, the average woman spends about 416hrs of her life searching through purses looking for their keys.
Well if that’s the case, how come it only takes them seconds to find their pepper spray?
I know that from experience.

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside the kitchen, he finds a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother.
Convict:
“Now, I will tie everyone to the chairs”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Convict:
“I said everyone!”
And so he ties them to their chairs.
Convict:
“Now, I will rip off everyone’s clothes!”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Convict:
“I said everyone!”
And so he rips off their clothes.
Convict:
“Now, I will rаре everyone!”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Grandmother:
“He said everyone!”

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I would never pick up a male hitch-hiker; I just couldn’t trust him.
I would never pick up a female either; I just couldn’t trust myself.

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Spreading a woman’s legs is like spreading butter…
It can be done with a credit card fairly easily, but I prefer to use a knife.

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A judge convicted and sentenced a man to serve five consecutive life terms in prison. When the judge asked if there was anything he wanted to help pass the time, the man replied... A Perpetual Calendar!

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A man was walking to steal something from a warehouse but the security guard heard footsteps and screamed "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" then he was surprised to hear a voice scream, "Shoot it i hate pop quizzes!"

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