Criminal Jokes

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Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and everything in my wallet.
You won’t believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket

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If you think things are bad in America now……..
Just wait till Trump watches The Purge.

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There’s some thieving ваsтаrds where I live.
Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my роrn, a big bag of wееd and two bottles of vоdка.
I wouldn’t mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.

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Some Scousers in Liverpool are moaning that there are not enough Scousers on the telly.
The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch every week instead of every month.

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I went to the local art museum the other day, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

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Last night, I punched my wife right in the mouth as I was angry at my sub-standard cold dinner.
On reflection, I may have over-reacted.
We were in a restaurant at the time.

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Durex have made a new соndом with anesthetic on the inside so you can last longer.
I like to wear it inside out so I don’t have to wake anyone up.

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“I have a dream. A dream of time when I’ll have a 52-inch Plasma in my drawing room.”
- Martin Looter King.

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Top cooking tip:
Beat for 10 to 15 minutes, then tell her to cook dinner.

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The more you weigh, the harder it is to kidnap you.
Stay safe. Eat more cake.

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Preparing to go on vacation yet very concerned her apartment would be burglarized while she was gone, Mrs. Smilowitz taped a note to her front door saying, "WE ARE HOME." When she came back from her vacation she found the house was robbed and everything was gone except for the dining room table. On it was a note which read, "Where were you? We looked for you!"

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A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said:
“Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be sтuрid! It’s not addressed to you!

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I slept with this really hot girl last night.
Actually I should probably get out before she wakes up and finds me.

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“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?” said my late wife.

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The Mafia have decided to update it’s operations to keep up with internet trading.
Their first venture is called Pay-Up-Pal

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I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the pub last night…
Especially as I fuскing walked there in the first place.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.

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How many parents does it take to raise a psychopath?
Two…. Then one….. Then none..

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