Criminal Jokes

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I was shаgging this girl once who just could not make up her mind.
She couldn’t decide between no and more.
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I was watching the film, ‘A Perfect Мurdеr,’ with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.
“Is it the storyline?” I said.
“Not really,” she replied. “Stop taking notes.”

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I had a Scouse girl babysit for me once, never again.
I said on my way out, “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
Bitch took the microwave.

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I’m very close to my identical twin brother. We even finish each other’s sentences.
Which is nice as he’s now serving 30 years for that rаре I committed.

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Guns don’t кill people.
Americans,who think guns don ‘t кill people,do.

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Good morning beautiful вrеаsтs of my neighbour. How did you get inside these binoculars?

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Saying, “Guns don’t кill people, bullets do,” is like me saying “I’ve never rареd anyone, but my реnis has.”

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I asked my new cellmate how long he’s in for.
He said, “Until I еjасulате.”

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her аrsе.
I didn’t know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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The other day, my 13 year old daughter asked me where she came from.
I decided to be honest but you should have seen her face when I told her she came from a Portugese hotel room.

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The terrorist grouped all the hostages together and he said to me,
“Pick a number between one and thirty six. ”
“Seventeen, ” I shouted. He then shot my wife.
“You were fuскing peeping when we assigned the numbers weren’t you?” He said.

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“I bet my girlfriend’s dirtier than yours” my mate said.
“I doubt it” I replied, “mine’s buried in the garden.”

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For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe leaving your car unlocked at a church parking lot on a Sunday! Apparently NOT.
Anyway, I got 4 iPhones and 6 Tablets.

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A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...
He got Life.

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I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shаgging the milkman.
It was only after I’d bludgeoned her to death that I realised that the image was two years old.
When I used to be a milkman.

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You wouldn’t steal a car.
You wouldn’t steal a film.
So why download a movie?
Because I don’t like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn…

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Anyway I’m walking down the sidewalk and this dude is trying to wiggle a wire coat hanger through a small opening in his car window.
I say, “Did you lock your keys in the car?”
He glowers at me, then says, “No, I just washed ‘er and I’m hanging her out to dry.”
((Sigh)) When will I ever learn to keep the old trap shut???

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Made love to my girlfriend like a Jedi last night.
She said no so I used “the force”.

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