Criminal Jokes

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Which is more important, length or girth?
Turns out it’s consent.

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I’m continually bewildered by the brainwashing these young jihadists undergo about paradise, then are strapped into a backpack of pipe bombs and TNT, and dropped off at the CrossRoads Mall.
How are you going to ever shаg your 72 virgins when your nuтsаск is a few feet away on the cold tile floor of the mall and your shredded johnson is draped across a sign advertising “30% off all jewelry today only?”

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I ran into my ex-wife last night
Then I backed up and ran into her again!!!

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I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex..
Now she’ll know what rejection feels like.

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Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”

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I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers - fogs up my hidden camera lens.

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night…. I controlled myself.

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My wife just said to me “The only reason you’ve started to go the gym is so you can find yourself a nice young girl.”
I said “I’ve found one, the only reason I’m going the gym is so I can catch her.”

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Wife not listening?
There’s a slap for that.

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A niggеr walked into my pharmacy today and said, “I’ve had a migraine for hours and I keep coughing.”
I said, “Shiт. Have you taken anything?”
“No, I haven’t,” he replied.
“Well, I don’t trust you lot,” I replied. “Empty your fuскing pockets.”

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I was trying to take a sly up-skirt photo of the bird sitting opposite me on the train today. The shock on her face when she heard the camera noise!
Things got worse when the Polaroid came out.

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A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?”
“I’m collecting for the orphanage.”
“Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
“OK, you can take me now.”

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According to Cosmopolitan, “blue is the new black.”
Which should please my wife, because she’s both.

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I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.
They were foreign tourists, so I didn’t understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

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If I was a suicide bomber, I’d put a light hearted spin on things by asking someone to pull my finger beforehand.

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Black guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase.
Hugh Scully asks, “How did you acquire the vase?”
Black guy says, “It was handed down to me.”
Hugh Scully, “Where from?”
Black guy replies, “An upstairs window.”

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I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don’t know you
I’ve already sold the same homing рigеоn 24 times on eBay.

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A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.
The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuск me for this” and says no.
The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuск me for this, but hеll, I’m a strong guy, I’ll just tell him to рiss off” and says yes.
When he finished eating the Russian asks him…Tasty?
Yes…..
A strong guy, aren’t you?
Yes
Then hold down the German for me..

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