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Q: How do you get a blonde out of a tree?
A: You wave at her.

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A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids.
A lady went and sat down next to him.
She asked, "Are these all your kids?"
The man replied, "No, I just work at a соndом factory, these are all the complaints".

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I don’t like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best dамn pilot in saudi arabia

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Where did OP go in the explosion?
Everywhere.

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

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Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Isn't tihs so wreid? I tnhik it is the wreidset tnihg on Ertah! If you can raed tihs pesrs kcik аss. Tanhks

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My wife took up gardening... I wonder what she's going to plant.

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It's only a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" after my last name.

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his аss.

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Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one.
Break their bones - they have 206.

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Apparently there's a third option between burial and cremation.

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Strait test!!!
Kickass if your strait because your kickass
Lame if your not strait because your lame :(

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Right after the earthquake, my mother calls me up. She goes, 'Why don't you move back home?' I said, 'Well, quite frankly, I'd rather die suddenly in an act of God than have you slowly peck me to death for 45 years.'

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Poor, rich, ultra rich

Poor, rich, ultra rich

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Black Friday - Original

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- Why do you want this job?
- I've always been passionate about not starving to deadth

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- Where to? - The airport - Mam, u r the 3td pregnant lady whom I'm dropping to Airport today - But I'm not pregnant - But we haven't reached airport yet

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Please! Do not feed the sharks

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