Dating jokes, Online dating jokes

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My girlfriend loves me wearing her раnтiеs.
She doesn’t know I do it, but I know she really enjoys thinking she’s lost weight when she puts them on after I’ve been using them.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because I am gаy …
…
She got really mad, and sent me a picture of her suскing some dude’s соск. I said to her, “I didn’t know you knew Kevin!”

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The ladies call me Subway …
…
Because my meat isn’t very good and I lie about being 6 inches.

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10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend:
1. Truthful
2. Intelligent
3. Gentle
4. Humble
5. Tolerant
6. Polite
7. Understanding
8. Sexy
9. Smart
10. Young
In short:
- T. I. G. H. T. P. U. S. S. Y

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I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn’t a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.
Then the plane landed.

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As another dull month closes out, and I pull the garbage to the curb, I facepalmed myself with the realization that my wheelie-bin goes out more than I do.

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My girlfriend has no interest in my personality, has no desire to ever get to know the ‘real’ me and her only goal in life is to suск me dry of all my воdily fluids.
I think I love her.

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A year ago, on our engagement anniversary, my fiancée bought me a lottery ticket… I won £5.3 million. …
…
I wonder what she’s doing these days.

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Boy says this to girl:
-
. . .
Boy: No word can describe how beautiful you are …
Girl: Awwwww …
. . .
Boy: But a number can: 2/10

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My girlfriend’s been trying to help me with my finances.
I think I’d be better off a loan.

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Two girls boasting about their boyfriends.
“Jack’s unbelievable,” said the first girl. “He walks right up to me and puts it straight in.”
“That’s nothing,” said the second girl.
“Bob puts it in and then walks straight up to me!”

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We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our рuвеs.

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I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn’t show up.
I said, “Sorry about that, I suffer from premature еjасulатiоn.”
“Well that’s very unfortunate,” she replied, “but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me.”
“I wasn’t embarrased about it,” I explained, “I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn’t see the point in paying for your dinner.”

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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

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I was about to go to the cinema with my date, then I asked her, “Do you want to watch a horror?”
She said, “No, thanks. I’m afraid of ghosts. Can we watch a chick flick instead?”
I said, “Definitely not.”
She asked, “Why not?”
I replied, “I’m afraid of commitment.”

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My mate is some buddy! He found a blind date for me that had so many gaps in her teeth, it looked like her tongue was in jail.

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