Jokes about Dogs

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My dog is so useless. We were both chased by another dog yesterday.

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This is what dog noses look like at night on camera.

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When you’re 18 and they force you to decide who you’ll be for the rest of your life

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Peace is never an option for cats.

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None of your business!!! Keep scrolling!

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The training process was tedious, but now he knows he is not allowed on the couch.

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Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she ran away from home, her parents called the dog catcher.

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Yo' Mama is so ugly, her dog closes its eyes when it humps her leg.

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Yo' Mama is so uptight, when she farts, only dogs can hear it.

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Yo' Mama is so ugly, she got hauled into the dog pound for walking down the street without a license.

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Yo' Mama is so ugly, her parents had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

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A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

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A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas. He needs to get back to the farm, but it's too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk.
He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car. The driver says, "I'll give you a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed. Just as he's going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him. In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt.
The driver jumps out, exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he's wearing?"
The farmer shakes his head and says, "That's not a collar. That's his a**hole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

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Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.

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Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, ''come Spot, come Spot!''

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Rejected Science Fair Projects:
- just HOW poisonous are poisonous snakes?
- Which household products are most flammable?
- Which hurts more: falling off the slide or being pushed off the slide?
- Which tools are sharper: kitchen or garage?
- can sharks hunt a human?
- What happens if I stick my hand in this?
- HOW many ways can you break an arm over summer vacation?
- HOW many goldfish does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
- can dogs fly?

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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by рissing and moaning.

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