Friendship Jokes

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My best friend is coming up from California. He's a great guy, lots of laughs, but he does tell some really cheesy jokes!
Ah, Good Ole Monterey Jack!

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Friend: Fail
You: sorry but were not talking about you moms abortion pill

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3 young men met one pretty lady after church service. The men decided to introduce themselves. The first man says, I am Joseph but not the dreamer, the second man says I am John but not the Baptist and the last man says I am Abraham but not the father of nations. The pretty lady said hello to her new friends and introduced herself as Mary but not a virgin.

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Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"

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A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said,
"That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

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I was having a drink with an old friend talking about when we were teenagers, I said did you practice safe sеx??
Too true he said, if ever I got lucky I didn’t tell them my real name or address.

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A couple’s only daughter had just graduated from law school. Her parents were very surprised to find out she had recently become engaged to a man they had never met. The daughter also announced that she’d be bringing her fiancee over to meet them that evening.
The moment the parents opened front door to greet them the warm welcoming smiles on faces of both parents completely vanished. Their open happy expressions were instantly replaced by a look not far from shock.
The young man in their doorway had an athletic build, chiseled features with a picture perfect bright smile! He was wearing a silk tie a tailored suite along with expensive Italian shoes. He didn’t have one hair out of place on his head and when he spoke his deep confident voice was absolutely mesmerizing. His charismatic presence seemed to command respect and admiration though his demeanor was open and friendly.
By this time both of the parents were visibly shaken making this quite an awkward moment for all concerned. Silently wincing the mother almost broke out in tears as she shook the young mans firm yet warm gentle hand.
Only able to make partial eye contact and with a slight tremble in his voice the father hesitantly asked the young man what he did for a living. The young man replied: I’m a used car salesman!
A huge sigh of relief came over both parents as they instantly resurrected their welcoming smiles once again. The father said we’re so happy to hear that son, for a moment there we thought you might be a politician.

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I've got a friend who smokes five packs a day. He has to wear nicotine slacks. He says he's afraid to quit because he might get heavy. If he doesn't quit, there will be six friends going, 'Boy, he is heavy.'

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If you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? Mexicans are spicy? Do you have to have сhiрs and salsa before you bite into one? Chinese people: are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? Let's go everybody -- black people: taste like chicken... I did that joke one night and, of course, a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, 'What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?' I'm like, 'Listen, lady, my best friend is Cuban and that's close enough.'

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"I wish I had enough guts to clean these fish I caught," said the squeamish fisherman.
"Here's your knife," said his friend as he slapped down a huge bass. "All the courage you need is right in there."

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My mate broke his left arm and left leg, but he was alright.

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“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we have to sit through another оrgаn recital.”

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(Calls 911)
911: hello, this is 911 emergencies, how may i help you
Me: my friend is dead
911:Are you sure he is dead
Me: let me check (gunshot)
(Back on phone)
Me:yep

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When I was growing up, I had a Jewish friend. After school I hung out with him at his house two or three days a week.
His family was very frugal and they weren’t very religious. On  Hanukkah, his mother had their Menorah on a dimmer.

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Me: Why do you want to ride a bike?
Friend: Because I want to.
Other Friend: You're just jealous because you can't ride a bike.
Class: OOOHHH!!!
Me: Well, the only thing that you can ride is your dad's diск!
Class: OOOHHH!!!

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A chef friend of mine was trying to come up with a new, unique dish for his restaurant. He took a рот of raw fish and poured alphabet soup all over it.
"What do you think?"
"If you ask me," I replied as I looked into the disgusting рот with the soggy letters swirling around, "this SPELLS disaster."

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A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish. …
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

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Yesterday a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

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