Lost In The Desert
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.
A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled "G**dамn it" and the preacher said,
"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord, help me, Lord help me.'"
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said "Gоddамn it" again. The preacher again told him, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord help me, Lord help me.'" The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said,
"Lord, help me, Lord help me!" And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, "Well, Gоddамn."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies,
"Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton:
"Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies,
"Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates:
"Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says,
"I believe you're in my chair."