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God

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We said to god we would trade justin beiber for michael jackson, but we realized god wouldn't even want justin beiber.......
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I don't want to be younger, I really don't. Every time I look back a couple years, I think, 'God, what a jеrк I was.' But with that knowledge comes the realization that I'm a jеrк right now. I think that's why old people get real quiet. They're like, 'Man, I'm an idiот. I'm going to just stand right here.'
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So I go to McDonalds to get a drink when I see this fат girl bullying a mentally disabled kid. So I walk up to her.
Me: You know that can happen to any of us, right?
Girl: Well God gave me a mouth to speak with so I'm going to use it
Me: Yeah? Well God gave you a mouth to eat too, but you abused that privilege, didnt ya?
Girl:
- Speechless-
Me: Wipe that ketchup off your сhin, too.
Girl:
- Wipes сhin-
Me: No, your other сhin.
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God makes everyone in his own image, no? Yeah, he was drunк.
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*to the tune of jingle bells*
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Get the fuск way
We don't want no mily Cyrus jr
Messing up our day
Hay!
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Stop I'm gonna be sick
For God's sake your made of plastic
None of yous legit
Hey
Twerky sluт..
Jerk: Hey b*tch ain't got no time for Christmas Carols!
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My dad drives so slow that when we're on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.
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You can get any kind of surgery imaginable in this town, too -- and they do it -- holy sh*t: Botox and collagen and vaginal rejuvenation. Oh my God, what -- vaginal rejuvenation? How the hеll do I know when that looks old? Who do you trust with that question? Come on -- well, it's not like I have pictures from high school.
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Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is. …
….
Electrical engineer:
“surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry.” …
…
Mechanical engineer:
“no, look at the ballet between воnе, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer.” …..
….
Civil engineer:
“God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area?”
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Lost In The Desert
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.
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A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled "G**dамn it" and the preacher said,
"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord, help me, Lord help me.'"
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said "Gоddамn it" again. The preacher again told him, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say 'Lord help me, Lord help me.'" The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said,
"Lord, help me, Lord help me!" And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, "Well, Gоddамn."
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I'm not only Iranian; I'm also Jewish: I'm an Iranian-Jew. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'Wow, he's Iranian and Jewish. I don't know if I should hate him or hate him.'
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Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies,
"Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton:
"Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies,
"Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates:
"Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says,
"I believe you're in my chair."
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In the name of the Lord God: One day a sergeant came back home and said to his wife: Everything has changed in the army. From now on, he added, we are free to follow the orders of our officers and we can discuss the matters with them. His wife answered: That is in the army. Here at home none of that. Get up and wash the dishes!
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. …
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“How do you know what to say?” he asked. …
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“Why, God tells me,” the father answered. …
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The boy replied, “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
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God created man, stepped back and said “perfect!”
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said “Oh Сrар! this”ll have to wear make up!”
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Why did God create women ?
To carry sемеn from the bedroom to the toilet.
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If God made anything better than рussy he kept it for himself.
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*walking along the park with my friend*
Me:hey is that a RAINBOW?
Friend:nope. Its god throwing skittles in the air.
Me:0_0 GOD HATES SKITTLES!!!!!!!!
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