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God - Page 30
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You ваsтаrd.” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-dамnеd ваsтаrd.” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this сriме. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt.
Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that ваsтаrd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
**’Hello?’**
**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**
**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’**
**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..’**
Brief Pause.
**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**
**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**’I did it, Daddy.’**
**’And what happened, honey?’ **
‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
Ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And
Now she isn’t moving at all!’**
**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’**
**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into
The swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water****Last week
To clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**’Swimming pool We dont have a swimming pool ? ………..**
**Is this 486-5731?’*
**No, I think you have the wrong number……..*
Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said,
"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Anant said,
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something.
“That’s a huge fсuкеr you’ve got there father,” says the friend.
“Watch your language around a man of God,” replies the Priest.
A little embarrassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a “fсuкеr”.
The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the “fсuкеr”.
“I’ll clean the fсuкеr and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round.”
So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he’ll cook the “fсuкеr” for the Pope tonight.
The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, “I caught the fсuкеr!”
The Bishop cries, “I cleaned the fсuкеr!”
And the Cardinal continues, “I cooked the fсuкеr!”
The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, “You know, you сunтs are alright.”
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks,
"Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies,
"Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton:
"Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies,
"Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says,
"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates:
"Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says,
"I believe you're in my chair."